Make Me A Match, Find Me A Find, Catch Me A Catch

Earlier this winter, in what I now see was a severe bout of cabin fever, I decided to give online dating another go.  I'd halfheartedly done it in the past and though I remained unconvinced, I figured it was a better alternative than my current strategy for meeting people.  Especially since (A) I had no strategy, (B) the social scene in Stephens City doesn't actually exist, and (C) I work in a windowless, concrete warehouse where I see precisely the same 23 people every day.  So I answered more questions about myself than the government currently requires for a security clearance, wrote what I think is a pretty witty profile and posted the most gorgeous pictures of me currently in circulation.  And later that evening I received my first matches, those lucky few that were sure to be my perfect mate. 

So where has all of this gotten me?  $19.95 a month poorer, but that's about it.  I'm not complaining, it really is the most entertaining twenty bucks I've spent in a long time. I've had a couple of entertaining exchanges online, but no actual dates.  And part of that is because I'm really picky.  But part of it is because there are some real geniuses out there on the Internet.  So I'd like to offer a few tips to guys writing their online dating profiles, based on some of the highlights that have appeared in my inbox and provided me with lots of head scratching laughter.

• Fill out your profile.  I'm sure you're a great guy, but if you don't post a picture and only fill out your name, height and age, I'm going to close your profile right away.  You're spending money on this, too, so you might as well put a little effort into it.
• Don't answer the question "Occupation" with the answer "Professional."  If you're getting paid for it, you're a professional something, so try throwing another noun or two in there.  Professional sanitation engineer is a fine vocation, in fact, I'd worry about anyone that did it on a volunteer basis.  Help a girl out and tell her a little bit about how you spend a third of your time.
• Photos.  A postage stamp sized photo of you wearing a hat and sunglasses while standing in the shadow of a lovely sunset does little beyond confirm that you are relatively human-shaped.  If you're going to put a group shot up, at least put up an individual shot or a caption so I can tell which of the 17 people in the picture wrote this profile.   Also, if you're going to pass off pictures of someone else, make sure you use the same someone else in all four of your pictures.
• Use spell check.  Especially if the one thing you say you'd wish more people would notice about you is how smart you are.  Don't brag about the fact that you're a really bad speller; by the time I got to that part of your profile, I'd already figured that out and was only still reading for entertainment value.
• There is no need to use the word "myself" more than once in a sentence, much less dozens of times in your profile.  
• Don't refer to yourself in the third person.  It's kinda creepy.
• Do not answer the question "Have Kids?" with a "No" and then in one of the next three questions say something like, "My kids are the most important thing in my life," or "Being a dad is what I am most passionate about."  I've got nothing against kids or men with kids, but lying so that your profile will show up to everyone kind of turns me off.  

So now I must decide whether to cancel my subscription or continue the search for a mate online.  Anyone out there with a success story to share? Or a cautionary tale?