In The Beginning...
So, back to the night that I got "the call." I'd had my biopsy on a Tuesday. The doctor told me I should have the results by Thursday or Friday. Thursday had come and gone and Friday was rapidly winding down. Anxious, on edge, high strung, wound too tight; you could use all of these to describe my state of mind and you wouldn't even come close how I was feeling. I had been sitting in my office, practically willing the phone to ring and it never did. Something caused a piece of paper to fall off of my desk and I almost came out of my skin. When I couldn't take the waiting any longer, at about 3:30, I called my doctor's office. There is an awesome nurse there, Margo, who had been helping me get appointments and move things along and she told me that they hadn't received the results yet. She promised to try and find something out for me and call me back, but since my doctor was out of the office, she wasn't sure she'd be able to get anything that day. I resigned myself to suffering through the weekend and hoping that I could beat the percentages.
I left my office at 5:00 and joined everyone else in the DC area in the rush to get home on a Friday night. I was about halfway home and dialed my parents to tell them that I hadn't heard anything. At the exact instant that I called them, I received an incoming call and the number showed that it Margo. But my phone freaked out because I was asking it to do too many things and wouldn't answer the call. I sat at the light screaming at the phone. I finally snapped under the pressure of the week. All of this waiting and now the damn phone wouldn't work. When the phone decided to cooperate again, I called Margo back, but since it was after 5pm, the office voicemail picked up. I gave up and called my parents to tell them that I'd have to wait until Monday.
And then my cell phone finally rang. Thankfully Margo had tried again. I heard her say, "I'm sorry, Melissa, but you have cancer," and then the rest was "wah wah wah wah." I was in the far left lane at the stoplight in front of Eleanor Lawrence Park. I didn't think I could get home, but there was no way I could make it into the park entrance, there was just too much traffic. I took a few deep breaths and asked Margo to read me the report again. I only remembered a few words, but it was enough to give me an idea of what I was dealing with. I thanked Margo for calling, hung up the phone and sat in traffic and sobbed for about three minutes. Then the light changed.
I called my parents back and told them that I had cancer. Mom wanted me to come home, but I knew there was no way I could drive the hour and a half there, so they got in the car to come get me. When I finally made it home, I sat in my car and called my sister. I stayed in the car until I realized I was cold.
The first thing I did when I walked in the house was turn off my computer. I had googled every possible combination of search terms waiting for the results; using what little I could remember from the report was only going to make it worse. I threw some clothes into a bag. I went into the kitchen, I think with the intention of having a beer. Instead I sat down between the refrigerator and the trash can and cried a little bit more. I was fairly convinced that I was going to die. Nobody had told me that was the case, but when you get diagnosed with cancer, it's kinda hard to have a positive outlook right away. I called my best friend. She was one of the few people outside of my family who knew what was going on and had been awaiting the results almost as anxiously as I had. Then I called my grandfather and told him. And then I just sat in the dark and waited for my parents.
I've never been so happy to see them, but I hated that I had to put them through this. We got in the car and they took me home. My sister and her husband were waiting for us when we got there. It was almost 9pm and I don't think anyone really felt like eating, but mom made breakfast for dinner. I don't know why I remember that because I don't remember much else after that point. At some point I went to bed, but there wasn't much sleep that night.
On Saturday I finally allowed myself to get online. I tried to stay away from the horror stories and identify some actual resources. I found some other breast cancer blogs and read them from start to finish. I found the Young Survival Coalition, a group for young women with breast cancer, and my lifeline throughout this. I came up with some books I wanted to get, so we headed out to the bookstore. I called my friend Margaret to tell her. I was still getting used to saying it. I couldn't say "I have cancer" so I went instead with "I've been diagnosed with cancer." Somehow it gave me a little detachment. I knew I couldn't make this same phone call many more times, so this blog was born and I drafted an email to send to all of my friends. Saturday night it snowed.
Sunday I began to get anxious for a plan. I knew that first thing Monday morning Margo would begin setting up appointments for surgeons. I started to think about how I would tell my boss and my coworkers. I called my friend Matthew and told him; we're from a small town and since my parents had already told some of their friends, I didn't want him to hear it through the grapevine. I was standing in the bay window in the kitchen watching our friend Dave get out the snowmobile when I said the C word yet again and listened to the silence while he processed what I'd said. At some point my parents must have taken me back to my house, but I don't remember that part so well.
I'm not sure if I was late to work on Monday because of the snow or because I was dragging my feet. Margo called while I was in the shower, but I had taken the phone into the bathroom just in case she called early, so I hopped out and talked to her while I still had shampoo in my hair. She'd set up a consult with a surgeon for the next afternoon. I finally got to work and went in search of my boss to tell him. I didn't really know what to say, so I just kind of blurted it out in the hallway outside of my office. I know it caught him off guard. Then I waited for our CEO to get in so I could tell her. I told her I'd prefer to tell the staff all at once instead of letting it trickle out and repeating myself over and over. That afternoon we had an impromptu staff meeting and I said "Last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer." Just about every jaw in the room hit the table. Everyone hugged me as they left the room. Having told them, I went back to my desk and sent out a blast email to my friends and family and began writing this blog. The rest, as they say, is history.
I left my office at 5:00 and joined everyone else in the DC area in the rush to get home on a Friday night. I was about halfway home and dialed my parents to tell them that I hadn't heard anything. At the exact instant that I called them, I received an incoming call and the number showed that it Margo. But my phone freaked out because I was asking it to do too many things and wouldn't answer the call. I sat at the light screaming at the phone. I finally snapped under the pressure of the week. All of this waiting and now the damn phone wouldn't work. When the phone decided to cooperate again, I called Margo back, but since it was after 5pm, the office voicemail picked up. I gave up and called my parents to tell them that I'd have to wait until Monday.
And then my cell phone finally rang. Thankfully Margo had tried again. I heard her say, "I'm sorry, Melissa, but you have cancer," and then the rest was "wah wah wah wah." I was in the far left lane at the stoplight in front of Eleanor Lawrence Park. I didn't think I could get home, but there was no way I could make it into the park entrance, there was just too much traffic. I took a few deep breaths and asked Margo to read me the report again. I only remembered a few words, but it was enough to give me an idea of what I was dealing with. I thanked Margo for calling, hung up the phone and sat in traffic and sobbed for about three minutes. Then the light changed.
I called my parents back and told them that I had cancer. Mom wanted me to come home, but I knew there was no way I could drive the hour and a half there, so they got in the car to come get me. When I finally made it home, I sat in my car and called my sister. I stayed in the car until I realized I was cold.
The first thing I did when I walked in the house was turn off my computer. I had googled every possible combination of search terms waiting for the results; using what little I could remember from the report was only going to make it worse. I threw some clothes into a bag. I went into the kitchen, I think with the intention of having a beer. Instead I sat down between the refrigerator and the trash can and cried a little bit more. I was fairly convinced that I was going to die. Nobody had told me that was the case, but when you get diagnosed with cancer, it's kinda hard to have a positive outlook right away. I called my best friend. She was one of the few people outside of my family who knew what was going on and had been awaiting the results almost as anxiously as I had. Then I called my grandfather and told him. And then I just sat in the dark and waited for my parents.
I've never been so happy to see them, but I hated that I had to put them through this. We got in the car and they took me home. My sister and her husband were waiting for us when we got there. It was almost 9pm and I don't think anyone really felt like eating, but mom made breakfast for dinner. I don't know why I remember that because I don't remember much else after that point. At some point I went to bed, but there wasn't much sleep that night.
On Saturday I finally allowed myself to get online. I tried to stay away from the horror stories and identify some actual resources. I found some other breast cancer blogs and read them from start to finish. I found the Young Survival Coalition, a group for young women with breast cancer, and my lifeline throughout this. I came up with some books I wanted to get, so we headed out to the bookstore. I called my friend Margaret to tell her. I was still getting used to saying it. I couldn't say "I have cancer" so I went instead with "I've been diagnosed with cancer." Somehow it gave me a little detachment. I knew I couldn't make this same phone call many more times, so this blog was born and I drafted an email to send to all of my friends. Saturday night it snowed.
Sunday I began to get anxious for a plan. I knew that first thing Monday morning Margo would begin setting up appointments for surgeons. I started to think about how I would tell my boss and my coworkers. I called my friend Matthew and told him; we're from a small town and since my parents had already told some of their friends, I didn't want him to hear it through the grapevine. I was standing in the bay window in the kitchen watching our friend Dave get out the snowmobile when I said the C word yet again and listened to the silence while he processed what I'd said. At some point my parents must have taken me back to my house, but I don't remember that part so well.
I'm not sure if I was late to work on Monday because of the snow or because I was dragging my feet. Margo called while I was in the shower, but I had taken the phone into the bathroom just in case she called early, so I hopped out and talked to her while I still had shampoo in my hair. She'd set up a consult with a surgeon for the next afternoon. I finally got to work and went in search of my boss to tell him. I didn't really know what to say, so I just kind of blurted it out in the hallway outside of my office. I know it caught him off guard. Then I waited for our CEO to get in so I could tell her. I told her I'd prefer to tell the staff all at once instead of letting it trickle out and repeating myself over and over. That afternoon we had an impromptu staff meeting and I said "Last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer." Just about every jaw in the room hit the table. Everyone hugged me as they left the room. Having told them, I went back to my desk and sent out a blast email to my friends and family and began writing this blog. The rest, as they say, is history.
Comments
By the way, can't you get them to build that house any faster?