Plumber's Crack

My past abodes are characterized by their "unique" structural qualities. The box on stilts. The one where the dog ate the windows. The plumber's dream. It's that final one I was thinking of when I noticed the details of my bathroom fixtures.

The plumbing started out sound enough. But somehow, in a feat that couldn't be duplicated if I tried, I managed to flush the plastic tube from the toilet paper holder down the toilet. I had just flushed the toilet when I squeezed the tube to replace the roll of toilet paper. It sprung out of my hand and into the toilet, which just happened to be at the lowest water level and highest suction level of the flush cycle. Surprisingly, the tube went down without a problem. I thought surely it would pop right back up. When it didn't, I figured it had actually gone down. Until the next time I went to the bathroom and it wouldn't flush at all. Various attempts to retrieve the tube or force it through failed. Professionals were needed.

A plumber was called. He lived up to every stereotype you've ever heard about plumbers. He tried plunge it out, then snake it out, then he finally pulled the toilet out of the floor in search of the elusive toilet paper tube. He never did find it, but he restored the toilet to working order. And since it was the week before Christmas, he only charged me $200.

A few months later our shower stopped draining. At the rate I shed hair, this wasn't really a surprise. But I knew that it was that toilet paper tube. After drain cleaners and hair removal failed, another plumber was called. He removed some more hair and sludge and got the shower draining again.

Then one morning a few months later, our downstairs neighbor was banging on the door. The pipe in her bathroom ceiling was leaking into her bathroom. I knew this time they would find the paper holder. But after her ceiling was ripped out and the floor replaced, no real explanation was given.

I suspect that the missing toilet paper holder is still haunting the residents of 2811 Arlington Blvd. Now that I've moved 70 miles away, I finally feel that I'm far enough away to escape its little sorties.

And this is why I love the toilet paper holders in my new house so much. I mean, have you ever tried to replace just the springy tube that holds up the roll? They're not easy to come by.