Pandora's Box

I'm mad at myself today and I can't blame it on anyone else. I had previously decided to skip the genetic testing for hereditary breast cancer. But at the urging of two of my doctors, I agreed to at least talk to a genetic counselor. I agreed to do that, but decided to wait until I was done with radiation because I just couldn't handle it then. I finally got up the courage to call her yesterday. She didn't really tell me anything I hadn't heard before, but here are the highlights:

• It is unusual that my paternal grandmother had breast cancer in her early fifties. This is still considered "early." Also, my mother's grandmother had breast cancer and died of it in her early fifties. And unusual doesn't even begin to cover me having breast cancer at 29.
• If I test positive for one of the two known mutations, it would mean I am at increased risk for more cancer. I would have about a 65% chance of having a new primary breast cancer, not a recurrence or metastasis of this one. If I test negative my risk of a new primary is probably around 10%. Also, if positive, I would have a 45% chance of having ovarian cancer, as opposed to a 1-2% chance if negative. This one scares me a little more because it's so hard to detect ovarian cancer early. There is also an increased risk of colon, pancreatic and prostate cancers in BRCA mutation carriers. I'm not terribly worried about the prostate cancer, but men can also have this mutation.
• It's possible, and maybe even probable, that I would test negative. This does not mean that I don't have a genetic mutation. It just means I don't have one of the two they have currently identified as being related to breast cancer.

I still don't really want to take the test. On one hand, I'd like to know that I had a genetic mutation that caused this, so at least I would have some explanation as to why this happened and I could stop second guessing every Diet Coke I ever drank. On the other hand, if I tested positive, I think I'd live in constant fear of more cancer. And I already live in constant fear, so knowing that I had a better chance of having it again than not might actually drive me mad. But some part of me thinks there is some sort of secret treatment or better test that they save only for the BRCA+ girls and what if that secret test or pill was the one that saved my life? I know that's not the case, but can you see what goes on inside my head?

So I'm mad at myself for opening this box back up again when I had reached a decision. I'm going to talk to my surgeon when I see her and see what she thinks. Until then, I'm just trying to shove all this back into the box I let it out of.