The Road to Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions
I recently had a conversation about what to say to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer or has a loved on that has. Personally, I think it's better to say something instead of nothing. I know I've been more hurt by people who haven't acknowledged what I'm going through than those who have tried to express themselves and failed miserably. Here's the thing, there are no magic words you can say that will make someone feel better. But it's better to let someone know they are in your thoughts than just give them a funny look and keep walking.
Having said that, the truth is that sometimes we say something that we think is the right thing to someone with cancer, and it is not. And they'll probably smile and thank you. Then they'll talk about you to all of their other cancer friends. That's what I do. And I feel a little guilty because I know I've said some of these things, too, before I really knew how it felt.
So, as my good deed for the day, I want to share with you some things NOT to say when someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer, and the responses we sometimes think but never say. This is a much discussed topic on my cancer message board and these are some of my favorites. I'll go ahead and apologize in advance for how cynical this makes me sound.
"You're so lucky you caught it early" No, if I were lucky I would have won the lottery. The odds were about the same. When you get cancer, there is no lucky.
"You could get hit by a bus" Or I could push you under one.
"Well, it's just breast cancer" Really? It could still get me just dead. Even though there is a ton of awareness about this disease, there is still no cure.
"You're so brave, strong, etc." This wasn't a choice and we're coping the only way we know how, but we're not looking to be held up as a hero. And when we're feeling weak or sad or scared, it makes it difficult for us to actually feel that and ask for whatever help we need when we're worried about shattering someone's perception of us as strong.
"Well, you don't LOOK sick" Well, you don't look stupid. But I still feel like crap.
"If anyone can beat this, you can" Seriously? Which one of my degrees makes me better qualified to deal with this than someone else?
"It's all about positive attitude/thinking" So, it must have been my previous poor attitude/negative thinking that brought this on, right? Please, take your copy of The Secret and back slowly away.
"At least you get a free boob job!" I was rather attached to the ones I had, thank you.
"You have a beautiful head/Not everyone can pull off the scarf look" All kidding aside, when you're going through chemo you feel bald, fat and ugly. This just feels patronizing.
We also don't really want to hear about your cousin/friend/grandmother that died of breast cancer. We are really sorry for your loss, but now is not the time to share that story. Also, tales of your scary mammogram should be saved for another time. We understand exactly how horrible that anxiety is, but you got lucky and we didn't and we don't want to have to hate you for it. There will come a time on the other side of treatment when we may be ready to help you with some of this stuff, but diagnosis isn't the right time.
A couple of weeks after I was diagnosed, someone was complaining to me about someone else that we both knew. She felt this person had treated her badly, and the other person had recently suffered some sort of accident. "What goes around, comes around," she said, like this accident was Karma's payback for whatever bad this person had done. I know that she wasn't thinking how I might interpret this, but please, think about what comes out of your mouth! Whether or not Karma exists, no one wants to be told that they brought this on themselves.
I hope I haven't scared you out of reaching out to friends and loved ones who may be diagnosed. Just let them know that you love them and you're there for them. And think about how you would feel in their shoes before you stick a gigantic foot in your mouth.
Having said that, the truth is that sometimes we say something that we think is the right thing to someone with cancer, and it is not. And they'll probably smile and thank you. Then they'll talk about you to all of their other cancer friends. That's what I do. And I feel a little guilty because I know I've said some of these things, too, before I really knew how it felt.
So, as my good deed for the day, I want to share with you some things NOT to say when someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer, and the responses we sometimes think but never say. This is a much discussed topic on my cancer message board and these are some of my favorites. I'll go ahead and apologize in advance for how cynical this makes me sound.
"You're so lucky you caught it early" No, if I were lucky I would have won the lottery. The odds were about the same. When you get cancer, there is no lucky.
"You could get hit by a bus" Or I could push you under one.
"Well, it's just breast cancer" Really? It could still get me just dead. Even though there is a ton of awareness about this disease, there is still no cure.
"You're so brave, strong, etc." This wasn't a choice and we're coping the only way we know how, but we're not looking to be held up as a hero. And when we're feeling weak or sad or scared, it makes it difficult for us to actually feel that and ask for whatever help we need when we're worried about shattering someone's perception of us as strong.
"Well, you don't LOOK sick" Well, you don't look stupid. But I still feel like crap.
"If anyone can beat this, you can" Seriously? Which one of my degrees makes me better qualified to deal with this than someone else?
"It's all about positive attitude/thinking" So, it must have been my previous poor attitude/negative thinking that brought this on, right? Please, take your copy of The Secret and back slowly away.
"At least you get a free boob job!" I was rather attached to the ones I had, thank you.
"You have a beautiful head/Not everyone can pull off the scarf look" All kidding aside, when you're going through chemo you feel bald, fat and ugly. This just feels patronizing.
We also don't really want to hear about your cousin/friend/grandmother that died of breast cancer. We are really sorry for your loss, but now is not the time to share that story. Also, tales of your scary mammogram should be saved for another time. We understand exactly how horrible that anxiety is, but you got lucky and we didn't and we don't want to have to hate you for it. There will come a time on the other side of treatment when we may be ready to help you with some of this stuff, but diagnosis isn't the right time.
A couple of weeks after I was diagnosed, someone was complaining to me about someone else that we both knew. She felt this person had treated her badly, and the other person had recently suffered some sort of accident. "What goes around, comes around," she said, like this accident was Karma's payback for whatever bad this person had done. I know that she wasn't thinking how I might interpret this, but please, think about what comes out of your mouth! Whether or not Karma exists, no one wants to be told that they brought this on themselves.
I hope I haven't scared you out of reaching out to friends and loved ones who may be diagnosed. Just let them know that you love them and you're there for them. And think about how you would feel in their shoes before you stick a gigantic foot in your mouth.
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